John Christian Hopkins
With the recently announced death of North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il, our government is rightly concerned over what happens next in the volatile Asian nation.
We need to get someone inside to get us the skinny on what’s happening.
Think Kim Kardashian.
I know, she doesn’t come to mind when you think “skinny,” but hear me out.
With the untimely death of his father, youngest son Kim Jong Un becomes the new North Korean president. That’s how Kim Kardashian gets to redeem herself in the eyes of her countrymen—and win big ratings for the E! channel.
We need to set our Kim up with their Kim and let nature take its course. It doesn’t have to be forever, just, say, 72 days or something. Just long enough for Kim Kim (her married name) to find how where the keys are to the nukes and what the square root of an Isosceles triangle is.
Then leave North Korea shaken, but not stirred.
Think of the intriguing spin-off possibilities for E!
“Kim Kim and Kourtney take Pyongyang (Then give it back)” or “Keeping up With the Axis of Evil.”
But more than this, Kim Kim will get to use her ass … ets, I meant, to do her country a great service. Forget London’s lame Double-O 7, we’d have those smoking hot Double D 48’s on our side!
The possibilities are limitless! Kim Kim’s manager/mom/Svengali can play the role of OctoKrissy, a villainous media mogul intent on getting her tentacles into every television set in America!
We could even have special guest stars. Can’t you just picture Joan Rivers as Oldfinger? If she touches someone, their face freezes—like Bruce Jenner’s. Can we talk here?
Or Conrad Murray as “Dr. No, I Didn’t Kill Michael Jackson?”
Kim Kim, your country needs you. (Bet you never thought you’d hear that sentence, did you?)
Not only could you help protect the world from nuclear disaster, but you could even win Sweeps Week.