Privy to the throne

John Christian Hopkins

This whole “cult of celebrity” is just getting completely out of hand. It seems like people will do just about anything to be famous.

I heard about this lady in England, her name is Elizabeth and the BBC said that today marks her 60th anniversary on the throne.

I say, c’mon, either use the pot or get the heck off.

What could possibly take so long on the throne anyway? Hey, I’m not saying I do, but if I were to bring a book in there with me, I still couldn’t stay on it for 60 years. Four or five hours tops, then my legs go to sleep.

I’m sure Elizabeth is a perfectly nice woman—except for those floppy hats—but who died and made her king? Or, er, queen?

What about her poor son, Charles? Get off the throne and give him a chance to rest his Royal Buttocks on the throne for bit. After all, Charles is an elder now too and you know he can’t wait as long as he used to do.

It’s not like Elizabeth had to do anything to become queen. She didn’t have to learn to juggle, bake crumpets or win a talent contest. She just got to be queen by plain, old dumb luck.

That’s why our American form of government is so much better. In America no one family gets to always be the Grand Poobah; we split it between the Bushes, Kennedys and Clintons. With an occasional Roosevelt, Harrison or Adams tossed in for effect.

In America no individual can sit on the throne for 60 straight years; no matter the size of the slush fund they’re sitting on. That’s because corporations are people, my friend.

As long as good, old American corporations and anonymous SuperPACs are safeguarding our cherished ideals, we have nothing to fear but fear itself.

There’s no reason to be concerned about the poor. They have their safety net. If they don’t like it here, they can go to England and watch an old lady knitting on her throne.

In America we’re not stuck in staid monarchies. We are a nation of do’ers, where every child willing to work hard can aspire to have an offshore bank account in the Cayman Islands and buy the president of their choosing.

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Privy to the throne Copyright © 2014 by John Christian Hopkins. All Rights Reserved.

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