John Christian Hopkins
When I first heard about what happened in Washington D.C. on September 26, 2012 my initial reaction was that the “stuff” really hit the fan this time.
Two federal employees were injured when a pair of toilets in the General Services Administration headquarters exploded.
Of course my first inclination was to make up some goofy pun about the situation. That was before I realized how serious an event it was.
Therefore I decided that since someone had to be the adult in this tragic affair it might as well be me. After all, I am a John myself.
And besides, as a serious journalist, this was one story I couldn’t sit on. I hope I can convince you that explosive latrines are no laughing matter.
I understand how, at first glance, it is tempting to dismiss this event as a “commode-ity” of errors. But this could be a threat to our national security. And we can’t afford to be caught with our pants down when it comes to combustible commodes.
I mean we still haven’t reached a national consensus on whether the toilet paper should be pulled over or under the roll; or if the seat should be left up or down. Another toilet tizzy could plunge America into deep … uh, well, you get the idea.
For example, our economy is in a fragile state right now, and any wayward movements would drop like a ton of bricks.
We all should be worried about what exploding toilets could mean for the laxatives industry. Who’s going to buy Ex-Lax when a combustible commode can scare the crap out of you for free?
People stop buying laxatives and the company is forced to lay workers off. This is called the Trickledown Theory, and it rolls downhill after that.
Please, I implore you, take this fecal matter seriously. It may not be the most pressing problem we face these days, but it’s clearly Number Two.
There is an upside to this situation, too. If a toilet explodes while you are seated on it, it is perfectly excusable to squeeze the Charmin.